I have been thinking today, as i often do, why i feel the way i feel alot of the time. I don't usually write anything personal o here and leave it up to crafty bits and bobs but i thought i would put this out there and hear your thoughts.
On the outside i am a head strong confident young woman. On the INSIDE that could be further from the truth!
My whole life i have suffered at the hands of bully's. People who were jealous of my family ( we traveled lots and i had a very exciting childhood), people jealous of my confidence, my talents at school etc.
To be truly honest it didn't bother me all that much as a child and young adult. I was comfortable enough in my own skin and had great, strong friendships wherever i went. Sure it got me down now and then but mostly i could deal with it. My mother was my best friend and i all ways had someone i could talk to.
Now as an adult, and mostly since having children ( these went hand hand as i had Ash at 19) , i have lost my self confidence, lost my rubber suit that lets the negativity bounce off.
I feel it stronger than ever. I think about it all the time and it eats me up. People seem to think that because i speak my mind i have no feelings, that somehow they can say whatever they like about me, to me, and it wont touch me ?!?!?!
Ive been beginning to feel lately that i don't belong where i thought i did, that friends arnt really friends, that i must view things very differently to others i thought of as on my wave length.
What have i done to attract these sort of behaviours and attitudes and these sorts of people into my life? Why do i have this suffocating desire to be liked by everyone and be included in everything and not be left out?
For Pete's sake i am 23 years old, not 13 anymore! I KNOW better that to let it eat me up and rule my life............... so why cant i stop it?
Sorry for the big ramble but i needed to get it out and set it free :) Hopefully i can let this go and move on with being HAPPY and confident again.