Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Deep and meaningful for a change.

I have been thinking today, as i often do, why i feel the way i feel alot of the time. I don't usually write anything personal o here and leave it up to crafty bits and bobs but i thought i would put this out there and hear your thoughts.

On the outside i am a head strong confident young woman. On the INSIDE that could be further from the truth!

My whole life i have suffered at the hands of bully's. People who were jealous of my family ( we traveled lots and i had a very exciting childhood), people jealous of my confidence, my talents at school etc.

To be truly honest it didn't bother me all that much as a child and young adult. I was comfortable enough in my own skin and had great, strong friendships wherever i went. Sure it got me down now and then but mostly i could deal with it. My mother was my best friend and i all ways had someone i could talk to.

Now as an adult, and mostly since having children ( these went hand hand as i had Ash at 19) , i have lost my self confidence, lost my rubber suit that lets the negativity bounce off.

I feel it stronger than ever. I think about it all the time and it eats me up. People seem to think that because i speak my mind i have no feelings, that somehow they can say whatever they like about me, to me, and it wont touch me ?!?!?!

Ive been beginning to feel lately that i don't belong where i thought i did, that friends arnt really friends, that i must view things very differently to others i thought of as on my wave length.

What have i done to attract these sort of behaviours and attitudes and these sorts of people into my life? Why do i have this suffocating desire to be liked by everyone and be included in everything and not be left out?

For Pete's sake i am 23 years old, not 13 anymore! I KNOW better that to let it eat me up and rule my life............... so why cant i stop it?

Sorry for the big ramble but i needed to get it out and set it free :) Hopefully i can let this go and move on with being HAPPY and confident again.



Fi said...

Funny - this is how I am feeling, and I am 10y older!
I lost my best female friend about 6y ago, and I am still coming to terms with it. Since then, I have never been really close to another female friend. I just can't give myself up to be hurt again.
I dont know the answer, I just know that we have to learn to be accountable for our feelings, not how other people choose to treat us. We are not perfect, but intentions are usually not bad.
Anyway - I just wanted to let you know I get what you are feeling, and I m trying to figure out how I deal with it. xx

Sally said...

I often struggle with similar feelings. What I have learnt over the years... and I've notched up quite a few more years than you... is that you can't change other people's behaviour just your own. People constantly shock me, often those people in my inner circle, but over time I have had to weed them out. Life is too short to be surrounded by people who aren't there barracking for you. This involves tough decisions sometimes.

Another thought too... life is about ups and downs - perhaps this inner blah is the catalyst for some life changing reflections and decisions. Perhaps not. Either way nothing will happen overnight.

I can really relate to how you're feeling and hope that you find some inner happiness & contentment soon.

PixieBelle said...

I think so many people feel like this at one time or another. I lived in the same house for a number of years and was pretty steady at the same schools with a little change here and there but I was pretty confident as a kid too. Because of the routine of it all. As an adult we started to move around a lot and I just crumpled. I still find it hard making new friends and trusting them as I know how I've been dropped by people but I also know I've not always been the good friend I should have been. Your true friends show themselves over time. Strangely for me, it wasn't always the people who I thought it would be.
You'll get through it. Just take your time and accept that life is an ever changing thing. Friends are not always there to stay for the long haul but it doesn't mean you don't have genuine people around you. Some people are only meant to be short span characters in our lives for various reasons.

Jo's Place said...

Oh Hannah I know exactly what you are talking about and used to feel like this a lot of the time, but it has gotten a little better over the years (remember I have a good 11 years on you - yikes LOL), but they are still there I just get over them quicker. What I have put it down too is that I would never go out to intentionally hurt someone, unfortunately other people just don't get that. Now when someone says or does something that does against the grain of what or how I feel I try and not take it personally, easier said than done sometimes, but it is better.

I've also found that my circle of friends have changed dramatically over the years and the people I surround myself with more like minded people, sure there are some that do or say things that hurt my feelings, but it is easier to deal with.

You are such a lovely person Hannah and are always trying to do nice things for other people all the time (look at all the Koha's you've organised). You will get through this Hannah, and learn of different ways to deal with it. Don't try to rush it, it will happen. Just remember you are loved and appreciated.


Gen said...

I've been struggling with similar feelings also lately, it's a had place to be in and often lonely I find. I agree though that you can't change other people, only yourself. Sometimes as hard as it is, you need to weed out those people who are damaging to you as I've recently done. It's painful but better in the long run.

Bug hugs to hun. I think you are a pretty darn awesome person even if I haven't met you IRL.

m.e (Cathie) said...

ohh Hannah, the older you get the more that rubber suit stays on I guess, but saying that, there are times for me aswell that I have felt these insecurities and have tried to deal with them as best as I could, but it does happen.
hugs to you lovely girl and hope that rubber suit becomes stronger & so do you!